“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
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When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Jurassic park gets weird
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.