Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
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The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
put ‘er there pardner!
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
THIS HEADLINE
BRAKING NEWS!!
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.