@iamspacegirl: "And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending."
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@MeatyPunk: girl: tough guys are hot Me: *hawk lands on my bare arm* I have a gauntlet I just never use it *hawk gnawing on my shoulder* I love this
@pharmasean: [At maternity ward] Me: is this where babies are delivered Nurse: Yes Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
@SaraMansford: Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.
@shutupmikeginn: Using the domino's pizza tracker app seems like a great way to carjack someone you know isn't going to put up that much of a fight