Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.