Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
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I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine