And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
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Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues