@Love_bug1016: And then the devil said, "tell her to calm down."
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@NotthatAdamWest: "Dear God, make me a bird, so I can..." *turns into penguin* "DAMMIT I WASN'T FINISHED!"
@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
@beefman138: My local police department must really love me. They've devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as 'outstanding'.
@pleatedjeans: [first date] girl: I bet you're really cute under those glasses [removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops' optic blast]