And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
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5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
cyclists
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.