her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
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If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.