…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?