@TheBeerGuy73: ...and then the whiskey whispered "You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed."
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@darrinfb: I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it. So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.
@murrman5: *doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum* how do you feel? "with my hands" let's give it a minute
@david8hughes: [lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] "Hey--" *points to shooting star* "You've put on a lot of weight."
@GrumpyCatsMind: If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you're angry about oxygen and numbers.