@TheBeerGuy73: ...and then the whiskey whispered "You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed."
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@zacharyflynn: You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
@ch000ch: me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot
@lovemydogduck: I WAS LIKE AND HE WAS LIKE AND I WAS LIKE AND SHE WAS LIKE (The speech impediment of the 21st century)
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?