…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Cake!!
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*