And they lived apathetically ever after.
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You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.