“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories