“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.