@croninwhocares: "And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo." (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
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@Stellacopter: One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
@SoulYodeler: Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
@DumbConfessions: Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once. *pops jean jacket collar* I got marmalaid.
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy? Me: After lunch 4yo: I want lunch right now. I'm starving!! Me: We just ate breakfast 4yo: Starving!