“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
water it, i dare you
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
spot the difference
This squirrel eats better than I do
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”