“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Body by cheese-puffs.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*