And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
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Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Monica just destroyed the internet
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]