“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
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I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.