@TheTweetOfGod: "And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this." Revelation 4:12.
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@ArfMeasures: WIFE: You can't tell kids they're grounded anymore ME: Why not? W: They weren't our kids M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
@TedOfficialPage: Imagine this: you're home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers "Bless you" and hangs up
@TomSchally: It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
@somewhatalady: "Everyone says they're voting for Clinton or Trump, but I'm voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus."