@TheTweetOfGod: "And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this." Revelation 4:12.
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@BradBroaddus: Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I'm not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.
@blaha_Who: Whenever I get a midnight "Hey" dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply Maybe she's inviting me to church or something fun like that
@mrbenwexler: Q: Name your favorite foreign leader. GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
@AsgardianRose: You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once? That's how I'm handling adulthood.