“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
@ candidates for local office
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
mathematically impossible
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.