“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]