@badbanana: "And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."
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@warhorse76: Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me.
@Andrea__B__: Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
@CherBear162: Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like "WHY is this shit still here?"
@Hadzilla: Halloween '94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?