6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
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I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Stop.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.