New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
You Might Also Like
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
TRAIN’S HERE
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…