@mikeleffingwell: "And... uh... chocolate kills dogs." - God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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@SexySpacePrince: *eats way too much delicious space pudding* Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What'd you call this again? Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
@bingowings14: See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they're playing minecraft.
@fro_vo: Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark My Dog: bark Me: wait henry don't give it away