@mikeleffingwell: "And... uh... chocolate kills dogs." - God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [God creating cheesecake] GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good ANGEL: shouldn't u share it? GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
@EmmaUtters: Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children's home so I just chucked him a few kids
@hazelmotes1: Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn't have an entire section labeled "Teen Paranormal Romance."
@callie_cakes: Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash. This divorce thing is really working out for me.