@mikeleffingwell: "And... uh... chocolate kills dogs." - God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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@MadcapsTPS: Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Why is he crying? Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison? M: What? 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
@BatmanOffDuty: *buying a dog* Is this a good dog? "Oh yeah, very good dog." Do any tricks? "No, I'm clean, selling dogs now."