“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
You Might Also Like
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
All. The. Damn. Time.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa