Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
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I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.