And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
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[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
You are what you delete.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.