…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person