…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.