I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
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Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
bro what is going on at twitter
How to properly lift a body
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Meat Cute
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.