“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE