“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?