And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
You Might Also Like
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??