“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
You Might Also Like
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.