Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
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I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
We’ve all been there…
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I know karate and tons of other words.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle