Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
You Might Also Like
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”