drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
yea so i messed up lol
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Based Erika
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
thanks auntie mary
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass