I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
You Might Also Like
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?