Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
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Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.