Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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58.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
put ‘er there pardner!
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird