ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
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Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”