angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
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Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals