ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
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Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.