Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
This is I, Robot all over again
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023