ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
You Might Also Like
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Love is always patient and kind.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids