Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
a fate I wish upon no one
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed