*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Somebody call the cops.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap