[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
what it’s like dating me:
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL