[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My dad teaching me to drive
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.