Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
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Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
The Backseat Boys
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..