I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
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My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something