Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
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I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake