The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
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[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America