Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.